<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Hot and Cold Fever by starwarned</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27131992">Hot and Cold Fever</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/starwarned/pseuds/starwarned'>starwarned</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Fictober 2020 [20]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow &amp; Related Fandoms</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Fictober, Fictober 2020, M/M, Post-Break Up, honestly how tf do I tag this fic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 19:48:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>878</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27131992</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/starwarned/pseuds/starwarned</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Fictober Day 20 </p>
<p>prompt: "trying to awake" (James Joyce) </p>
<p>Simon has a nightmare and reflects.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch &amp; Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Fictober 2020 [20]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1951321</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>50</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Hot and Cold Fever</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hello hi I am so not proud of this one but I wrote it and I did it and it happened. &lt;3</p>
<p>prompt is from <a href="https://drawingdawnart.tumblr.com/post/629280324527013888/some-of-my-artists-friends-and-i-felt-like-we">this list</a> on tumblr</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I can’t remember the last time I didn’t wake up in a cold sweat. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s been two months since Baz left and not a day is easier than the last. And I know it’s all my fault and I know that I’m the one who pushed him away. I know that better than anyone. That doesn’t stop my chest from constricting whenever I think about him. And it certainly doesn’t stop my subconscious from creating horrible nightmares that plague me every night. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Penelope’s been largely taking care of me, even if I’ve tried to convince her I’m self-sufficient. (I’m not, but being on the receiving end of her pity stares is hard enough as it is. I don’t need her trying to force-feed me herbal tea). </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I thought that breaking up with Baz while we were in America would change my lifestyle. That perhaps I’d be less weighed down by my guilt and instead take some time to myself. Take some time to figure out who I am without my magic and when Baz doesn’t have to lug me around. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It didn’t turn out like that. I tend to spend most of my day on the couch, a bottle of cider in one hand and my phone open to an inane mobile game in the other. (Basically, nothing has changed). </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I turn over in bed and pick up my phone. It’s four in the afternoon and I likely shouldn’t have taken a nap, but I can’t help it. The moment I lie down, I tend to fall asleep within minutes. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Even as I’ve just woken up, the dream that had sprung me out of sleep is starting to slip away. I remember Baz. I remember trying to </span>
  <em>
    <span>get to </span>
  </em>
  <span>Baz, trying to </span>
  <em>
    <span>save </span>
  </em>
  <span>Baz. Something. I can’t remember. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Penelope knocks on my door and I shake myself out of my thoughts. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah?” I call, my voice groggy and scratchy. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She pushes the door open and leans against the frame. “Hey, Si,” she says softly. “I think you should come outside.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I raise an eyebrow and sit up in bed. “Why?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She looks nervous. An expression that I’m not used to seeing on her face. “Just come here. Please.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Penelope loves to over-explain so the lack of information that I’m receiving is vaguely concerning. I can tell when she means business, though, so I get up and straighten out my ratty tee shirt. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I follow Penny who is uncharacteristically quiet. She turns around every few seconds as if to make sure I’m still behind her. As if I wouldn’t follow her to the ends of the earth. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The second we get out onto the balcony, I wish I didn’t trust her as much as I do. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Baz is there. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Baz, the man I love. Baz, the person I pushed away when he needed me most. Baz, who somehow looks even better than when I last saw him - like he’s grown into himself. His hair is pulled up into a stylish top knot and he’s wearing the most casual floral suit I’ve ever seen anyone pull off. He leans against the railing like he doesn’t have a care in the world. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I wonder if his heart is beating as quickly as mine is. (Well, I know it’s not. He’s always had a lower resting heart rate, being sort of dead and all). </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh,” Penelope says. “I’ll leave you.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I want to yell at her to </span>
  <em>
    <span>stay here </span>
  </em>
  <span>and that she absolutely should have told me what I was walking into, but she’s already rushed back inside and shut the door. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Now I stand on the balcony, the cold air chilling me to my bones, my heart beating in my throat, and the threat of tears welling in my eyes. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Baz,” I say. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I haven’t said his name out loud in weeks. I forgot how bloody good it feels on my tongue. How good Baz feels on my tongue. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Simon,” he says. He leans away from the railing. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Too many memories to name come rushing back to me. I’ve spent most of my life completely obsessed with Baz - following him around, ignoring him but blathering on about him to Penny for hours, kissing him, holding him. Pushing him away. I wish I could shut my brain down so I didn’t have to think about that any longer. It’s far too painful. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why are you here?” I ask, shoving my hands into my pockets. I should likely be more embarrassed about my ratty ensemble, but Baz has seen me look worse. (And perhaps there’s a selfish part of me that wants him to know that I’m miserable without him). </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“To borrow some sugar,” Baz says and I wouldn’t know that he was joking except for that glint in his eye that makes me want to sob. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Right,” I say, letting myself smile slightly. “Friendly neighbor necessities.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s so good to see him. He smells nice. (Familiar).</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Snow,” Baz says, taking a deliberate step towards me. “Penelope told me what the past few months have been like for you.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I feel defensive immediately. “What do you mean?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Baz clenches his jaw and then relaxes it. “I miss you, too,” he says. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I wake up in a cold sweat. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Penny’s knocking on my door. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>complete cop out ending, anyone? whoopsies. maybe someday I will revisit this fic and uh actually give it a good ending. sorry it's 1:45 am here and I have a meeting at like 9 am so uh. I needed to finish.</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>